Resolutions? Nah, I Prefer Attainable Goals

The holidays have come and gone.  I have enjoyed some well deserved and much needed time off during the last few weeks.  We had the ultimate Florida weather for the season with temperatures pushing the 90-degree mark for a couple of days.  As the reality of heading back into my routine tomorrow sets in, a massive cold front has moved south and has moved me to the comfortable warmth inside.  This has given me an opportunity to reflect back and look forward.

Year In Review 

2011 was a jam-packed year for me, and while only a couple of major things happened, those things were very important to me and will impact me for many years to come.

The most important thing that happened in 2011 was that I married the love of my life.  We met almost 22 years ago on a blind date.  I knew that summer that he was the person I would spend the rest of my life with.  We have had so many wonderful years together, and we finally sealed that bond with the ultimate bond of 'till death do us part.  We had a very private, very quick ceremony on a local beach performed by a work colleague who is a notary public.  It was simple and sweet, and I am so happy to be a Mrs. now!

The other very important part of my life this year was my sub talar ankle fusion surgery.  My latest ankle fusion surgery was the fifth ankle surgery to my right foot.  Needless to say, it's been a journey of sorts for me. You can read about my latest surgery:  the history of my ankle fusion surgery, the downs of ankle fusion surgery, and the ups of my ankle fusion surgery.  I've faced many difficult realizations regarding my ankle in these last 9 months, and I am working toward coming to terms with and accepting those realizations.


Oh, yeah, I also turned 40.  I had a bit of an issue with that one, but I'm embracing it now.  

2012

I don't want to sit here and say I resolve to do this, or this, and that and this.  It's so blah, it never works, and honestly for me, it only leads to disappointment in, oh, say, about three weeks.  But, I do have some goals for the upcoming year.  Goals are attainable.  Goals can be worked toward, set aside, built on and subtracted from.  

Just to throw a couple out there for all the world to see:  

My blog.  I finally have an idea of what direction I want to go with my blog.  The mindless ramblings are a great outlet, but I do want to make this into something more.  I have a small plan in place, and will be putting it together and rolling it out in the weeks to come. 

My career.  Everyone wants to better themselves in their careers.  Professionally I have grown a lot in the last year.  I want to continue that growth.

My life.  I love my life.  I can honestly say that I am very happy.  I want to continue this happiness for the next year.  

Seashells.  I want to collect more seashells, doesn't everyone?

Happy New Year!!!

Bitter

I'm bitter, and I feel bad about it.  


I am tired of well-meaning friends calling and asking me what I am up to.  You really want to know?  Well, today, I got out of bed, went to the couch, opened my laptop, and have been watching the Casey Anthony trial streaming on the Internet, pretty much non-stop.  I have not moved from the couch.  I can't tidy up the house, I can't run down to the beach, I can't help the love of my life while he's out sweating do death working in the yard.  You may recall that I am recovering from major ankle surgery.  It's been 2 months since I have walked, and frankly, I am becoming bitter.  I am tired of the rest of the world being able to go on with their lives and not have to worry about swelling and pain and crutches and handicapped parking places and stupid people who disregard someone who is hobbling around on crutches.  I am bitter because I am tired of being like this.


I feel bad because I am snapping at those closest to me when I know they mean well.  I feel bad because I know they aren't rubbing in their good times to me, they are my friends, and they are sharing life with me, as I've shared life with them.  I don't have anything to share with them though, and when I do share, I feel like I am seeking pity about my situation.  


Currently, my life is a lot of waiting.  I'm waiting for bone to fuse, bone to heal, calcification to take place.  I have to sit quietly, stay safe, and do nothing to jeopardize the work that has been done.  Waiting has become bitterness.  Of course this will pass, I will be back to my old self soon, but for now, I want to be bitter and angry.  

Solitary Confinement

I've spent the last three days in what I have called solitary confinement to the couch.  While I am not alone in the true sense - I have the wonderful love of my life with me and my little dog too - I am making myself stay on the couch with this blasted foot jacked up on a stack of pillows, again.  I started back to work on June 1st with a run of three half days.  I figured that would be enough to gear me up for a week of full days.  Was I ever wrong!  I made it to Thursday, never being able to complete a full day, and had to call in sick to work on Friday.  It was truly another low point for me in this recovery.  I have only called in to work sick one other time, and I wasn't able to open my eyes due to a headache caused by chemicals in the workplace.
I can't really keep my foot elevated the way it needs to be at work.  I tried balancing it on my tower for a few days, but knocked that over on my good big toe and decided that was a bit too dangerous both for myself and office IT equipment.  So, we tried a box with two pillows on it.  This helped some, but I still can't find a comfortable position.  The only time that I am truly comfortable is when I have my foot jacked up on my desk.  This is a very uncomfortable position to actually try to work in, and it's not very professional.  I limit this to a few minutes every couple of hours, mostly when I know most people are out of the office and not walking around.  
So, I promised myself if I stayed home I would keep my foot elevated the majority of the time, and so far I have kept my promise.  Not that there is much else for me to do.  I can't go shopping (not that I would, because I really dislike shopping) or to the beach or out to dinner or really anything else.  
I'm going nutty as well.  I've had a few crying jags over the last couple of weeks.  These seem to strike out of the blue, last from a few minutes to a half hour.  I know that this is normal, but hate to break down in front of co-workers.  At home is one thing, alone is best, but at work is just not cool at all.  Then yesterday I had the total opposite.  I laughed uncontrollably; side splitting, hard to breathe, tears streaming down my face, bladder bursting laughing.  I tried to share what I was laughing about with the love of my life, and he just did not find it even chuckle worthy, so I laughed harder.
Between the laughing and the crying - today I am feeling more on the weepy side, I have come to the conclusion that solitary confinement is not for me.  Tomorrow is Monday, and I am heading back to work.  I think I am feeling strong enough after this little break to work the full days.  I think that I was both physically and emotionally unprepared and not ready for full day work when I thought that I was.  This is not the first time I have underestimated healing since this journey started back on May 5th.  
The best part about tomorrow is that I can finally say that I am getting out of The Pink Monstrosity next week!  This is enough to make a girl practically giddy, though I am keeping the emotions in check and not letting them show too much.  I may very well be going back into another fiberglass prison.  I'm really, really hoping for the big, black, ugly boot though.  Really!  


Tomorrow starts the official countdown to June 23rd!

Cabin Fever

Today was the first day, almost 3 weeks into this journey, that I have felt really confined.  I am tired, I am cranky, and I am on the verge of a pity party.  I know that I can contribute a lot of it to not sleeping well.  I'm uncomfortable and in discomfort that borderlines on pain.  Finding comfortable position while wearing this pink monstrosity is a joke.  There isn't one.  
Then you add that there isn't much a girl in my position can do since walking is out of the question for at least 3 more weeks.  I've been reading, watching some Netflix, reading, and that's really about it.  I go from the bed to the couch and back.  I can't sit outside because, well, it's summertime in Florida and who knew fiberglass was such a conductor of heat.
I did order a Xerosox this evening.  It's a latex "sock" of sorts that has an airtight seal that will enable me to get into the pool.  I think being able to enjoy the sport of lying on a raft for a few hours a day will cheer me up some.  At least the Vitamin D will do some good.  I'll do a full review and link once I get the product and try it out.
I am heading back to work a week from today, and that will help my disposition a lot as well.  It will be nice to get out of the house.  It's going to be a pain in the rear hobbling around, but I have a couple of really awesome co-workers who have agreed to be my personal servants as long as I need them to.
As I've mentioned before, I've been through the ankle surgeries before, but I don't recall feeling this way.  This time it seems different and harder.  I can't put my finger on exactly what it is.  


This too shall pass.  I will give myself one day of a pity part and move on!

Capture the Flag - Curse of A Lifetime

I have the worst ankle of any person I know.  I have had 5 ankle surgeries, and have spent countless hours of my life dealing with the pain and issues associated with ankle arthritis.
It all started back at Fort Drum Day Camp when I was probably about 10 or 11 years old.  We were playing a game of capture the flag and my foot found a nice hole and over it went.  Now, I was never a graceful child despite my mother's trying for me to be.  I took ballet, I tried out for Little League (that's an entire other post and a bottle of wine), played some sports, but I always ended up getting hurt, most specifically my ankle.


My first surgery was at the age of 15.  I was able to lead a fairly normal life after that, with some high school sports (but always getting hurt), time in the Navy (again, ankle rears it's ugly head), and a fairly long career at nursing, all of which combined together made for a pretty crappy ankle.  


I have had two ankle fusions in the last 6 years.  An ankle fusion is where two bones of a joint are pinned (screwed) together to keep any motion from happening.  The first fusion was the big ankle joint - the one that makes your foot go up and down.  The second fusion was the joint just below the big joint, in normal people, it's the joint that allows your ankle side-to-side movement.  
So, now I am in total lock down mode of my ankle.  

My most recent surgery was about 2 1/2 weeks ago.  Having this surgery has made me realize a few things.  I'm not as young as I used to be, I'm not as strong as I think I am, and I have to come up with a really good story soon to explain the massive scarring on my foot - ankle surgery is just too boring, and my mangled paw deserves to have some fun with this.


Who would have thought an innocent child's game of Capture the Flag would change the course of my life?