Bitter

I'm bitter, and I feel bad about it.  


I am tired of well-meaning friends calling and asking me what I am up to.  You really want to know?  Well, today, I got out of bed, went to the couch, opened my laptop, and have been watching the Casey Anthony trial streaming on the Internet, pretty much non-stop.  I have not moved from the couch.  I can't tidy up the house, I can't run down to the beach, I can't help the love of my life while he's out sweating do death working in the yard.  You may recall that I am recovering from major ankle surgery.  It's been 2 months since I have walked, and frankly, I am becoming bitter.  I am tired of the rest of the world being able to go on with their lives and not have to worry about swelling and pain and crutches and handicapped parking places and stupid people who disregard someone who is hobbling around on crutches.  I am bitter because I am tired of being like this.


I feel bad because I am snapping at those closest to me when I know they mean well.  I feel bad because I know they aren't rubbing in their good times to me, they are my friends, and they are sharing life with me, as I've shared life with them.  I don't have anything to share with them though, and when I do share, I feel like I am seeking pity about my situation.  


Currently, my life is a lot of waiting.  I'm waiting for bone to fuse, bone to heal, calcification to take place.  I have to sit quietly, stay safe, and do nothing to jeopardize the work that has been done.  Waiting has become bitterness.  Of course this will pass, I will be back to my old self soon, but for now, I want to be bitter and angry.  

Bookworm

I’ve had my nose in a book as long as I can remember.  I love to read, and find the pastime very relaxing and rewarding.  I can travel to places that I’ve always dreamed up or I can peek through the window of how other people live.  I can lose myself for hours in books and forget about my own problems and worries.  It’s the perfect escape.

Now, don’t read anything more into this though.  I pretty much read trash.  Not bodice ripper trash, though those are fun, but generally I read things where I don’t have to think much and can get lost in a story.  I have tried to read the classics, but I just can’t get into them like I do murder mysteries, chick lit, true crime, romance, and the plethora of genres out there.

I have a Kindle.  I have never been one to jump into the hype of the latest and greatest gadget.  I mean, the only cell phone I have is a cheap flip phone provided by my company.  I think I’ve sent one text message in my life, and while I am contemplating succumbing to an Android in the near future, I’m pretty technologically dumb.  I knew about the Kindle when they first came out a few years ago, but last summer when Amazon announced that the third generation Kindle was coming out, I knew this was something I just had to have.  I did my research, I waited for it to be released and to see if there were horrible stories about it, and I saved all my Discover points to get this wonderful creation (on the cheap, of course). 

The day I bought Vinny reading changed for me.  I am started to get older, and I’ve always had bad eyesight (thanks Mom AND Dad).  The E-Ink was actually gentler on my eyes than a paperback or a library book, even large print editions.  I found that I was reading more and I was reading faster.  I loved the fact that I could “carry” a ton of books with me in my purse.  I loved that I could order a book and its right there on the device within seconds.  I loved my Kindle from the very start, and I still do!

When I was off work for my ankle surgery, the only thing I found that I was able to concentrate fully on was reading.  I didn’t keep an exact count, but I believe I read close to 20 books that month.  I could only sleep for one or two hours at a time, and it was really boring in the middle of the night with no one to talk to.  My Kindle had so many options available for me, and I was able to escape and read for a few hours until I was able to sleep again.

I have joined a few sites and have read a few blogs, and I have found that there are a lot of people who read much of the same things that I do.  Often this is how I find my next book to read.  I am going to try really hard to start reviewing some of the books that I read here on this blog.  I think it will be a good exercise for myself to be true to the author of the book and to myself if I really liked it or if I did not like it so much.  On the books that I do review, I will also post those reviews on the book sites that I belong to; Goodreads, Amazon, and Lendle.  I will be open and honest, and I will not write any spoilers into my reviews.

Let's try this, shall we?

Solitary Confinement

I've spent the last three days in what I have called solitary confinement to the couch.  While I am not alone in the true sense - I have the wonderful love of my life with me and my little dog too - I am making myself stay on the couch with this blasted foot jacked up on a stack of pillows, again.  I started back to work on June 1st with a run of three half days.  I figured that would be enough to gear me up for a week of full days.  Was I ever wrong!  I made it to Thursday, never being able to complete a full day, and had to call in sick to work on Friday.  It was truly another low point for me in this recovery.  I have only called in to work sick one other time, and I wasn't able to open my eyes due to a headache caused by chemicals in the workplace.
I can't really keep my foot elevated the way it needs to be at work.  I tried balancing it on my tower for a few days, but knocked that over on my good big toe and decided that was a bit too dangerous both for myself and office IT equipment.  So, we tried a box with two pillows on it.  This helped some, but I still can't find a comfortable position.  The only time that I am truly comfortable is when I have my foot jacked up on my desk.  This is a very uncomfortable position to actually try to work in, and it's not very professional.  I limit this to a few minutes every couple of hours, mostly when I know most people are out of the office and not walking around.  
So, I promised myself if I stayed home I would keep my foot elevated the majority of the time, and so far I have kept my promise.  Not that there is much else for me to do.  I can't go shopping (not that I would, because I really dislike shopping) or to the beach or out to dinner or really anything else.  
I'm going nutty as well.  I've had a few crying jags over the last couple of weeks.  These seem to strike out of the blue, last from a few minutes to a half hour.  I know that this is normal, but hate to break down in front of co-workers.  At home is one thing, alone is best, but at work is just not cool at all.  Then yesterday I had the total opposite.  I laughed uncontrollably; side splitting, hard to breathe, tears streaming down my face, bladder bursting laughing.  I tried to share what I was laughing about with the love of my life, and he just did not find it even chuckle worthy, so I laughed harder.
Between the laughing and the crying - today I am feeling more on the weepy side, I have come to the conclusion that solitary confinement is not for me.  Tomorrow is Monday, and I am heading back to work.  I think I am feeling strong enough after this little break to work the full days.  I think that I was both physically and emotionally unprepared and not ready for full day work when I thought that I was.  This is not the first time I have underestimated healing since this journey started back on May 5th.  
The best part about tomorrow is that I can finally say that I am getting out of The Pink Monstrosity next week!  This is enough to make a girl practically giddy, though I am keeping the emotions in check and not letting them show too much.  I may very well be going back into another fiberglass prison.  I'm really, really hoping for the big, black, ugly boot though.  Really!  


Tomorrow starts the official countdown to June 23rd!

A New Quest

I've always wondered what it would be like to have 6 pack abs.  I've had a flat-ish tummy before, and while I'm not nearly a full or pony keg, I'm a bit too soft in the mid area.  I definitely would not be caught in public with a bikini though, but I can't say I am hideous.  Well, I could, but I'm working on self-liking this week rather than self-loathing.  It's only Monday though.
Once I get through my recovery and can start actually doing something more than crutch to the bathroom and lie on the couch with my foot jacked up over my head, my goal is to get back into shape.  I turned 40 a few months ago (there!  I said it!), and have realized in just the past month that the older I am getting, the harder things are, like healing, staying healthy, and not going soft around the belly button.  I know that once I am able to walk and move around without the constant nagging pain of my ankle grinding, I will be able to concentrate on getting back into an exercise routine that consists more of actually doing activity than pretending to do some.


So, I'm willing to put in the time, the pain, and even give up sneaking snacks to try for the flat tummy.  I would even be happy with a 4 pack...